Last Updated on November 3, 2023 by cmv
According to Dr. John Gottman and the research from the Gottman Institute, there are 3 types of couples; the ones that argue all the time, the ones that argue some of the time, and the ones that never argue. Two of these couples have predictors for breaking up while one of them is considered healthy. One of these couples are considered a Master Couple while two of these couples are considered Disaster Couples. So which one are you?
Which Couple Are You?
You might assume that the couple who never argues would be the ideal relationship but in fact that’s not the case. Couples who don’t argue generally aren’t talking about conflicts and are shoving them “under the rug”. They are one of the Disaster Couples. All couples have conflict, disagreements, or differences of opinion. This type of couple ignores this often in efforts to “not rock the boat”. Unfortunately, overtime this leads to a lot of unresolved issues, which act as a barrier to the couple’s connection. They eventually become distant and loose connection to each other overtime to the point where they feel like roommates.
Resentment is usually the culprit that breaks them up. When we don’t voice our needs but expect them to be met, we get upset when they go unmet and can become resentful overtime. Resentment then turns into contempt, otherwise known as sulphuric acid to a relationship according to Dr. John Gottman, an expert researcher and couples therapist from the Gottman Institute.
So what is contempt?
There’s overt and subtle contempt. I see it in my office sometimes when couples come in and so I work to help them better communicate their thoughts without using contempt. A subtle form of contempt is eye rolling, scoffing, or sneering when your partner is talking. An overt form of contempt is correcting the way they say things, telling them how to do things like a parent (in a not so kind way), name calling, hostile humor or mocking their partner. Basically, contempt is a form of superiority where one partner is looking down on the other. An extreme version of this is a narcissist.
So what about the other two types of couples?
One argues all the time and has a lot of conflict (the other Disaster Couple). We can predict that if things don’t change, they’ll break up. The Master Couple is one who has conflict, argues once in a while, but does so in a respectful manner. This couple communicates well when it comes to managing conflict. This couple is the one you want to be and that our Gottman Method Couples Therapy aims to teach. We believe that both types of Disaster Couples can benefit from couples counselling if they are given the right tools, direction from a trained therapist and put in the work. Perhaps it’s time to deal with the pile, above or below the rug, before it becomes unmanageable.
