Last Updated on November 3, 2023 by cmv
Will couples therapy work for you?
Whether it be a friend on the phone, an acquaintance at a party, or a new client in my office, I’ve heard people say that couples therapy didn’t work for them in the past. Usually when they say this, the person means that their relationship broke up despite having tried couples work. This always makes me wonder, does this really mean that counselling didn’t work?
A Vancouver couples therapist’s thoughts
As a Vancouver couples therapist, here’s a few thoughts. Sometimes, couples therapy is about helping a couple break up. If that’s how things unfold, who’s to say it didn’t “work”? This may sound harsh but when we look at the purpose of couples counselling, it’s not always to improve the relationship. Not every couple is a match and therefore not every couple should stay together.
Though it’s sad when a relationship ends, it can be the best decision for both people in the long run. Yet this decision to end things shouldn’t be taken lightly, especially when the couple is invested and has been committed to each other.
Couples who may struggle
Unfortunately, there are some couples who may struggle. There are couples who may have been able to salvage their relationship but waited too long to get professional help. Perhaps they could have regained their happy relationship status and went further to make it healthier than it’s ever been before. It’s tough when these relationships fail since the individuals were probably good together at one point but something got in the way that they didn’t have the tools to address. When we wait too long to get help, resentment builds, which puts a wedge between partners. Resentment can lead to contempt, which Dr. John Gottman, a couples therapy expert, asserts is “sulfuric acid to a relationship”. It wears away at the health of the relationship until there’s little left saving.
Couples who may prevail
And then there are the couples who are a good fit, have some fixable issues, and seek out help before it’s too late. These couples are the ones we generally think of when we refer to couples therapy “working”. It’s always difficult to tell which couple you’re going to be but don’t feel defeated before you start. There’s always hope.
So which couple are you?
To find out, we have a research based assessment tool from the Gottman Institute that we use with all of our couples. It not only helps us determine the couples’ “fit”, it also shows us how the couple is doing with all the pieces that go into a healthy relationship. This allows your counsellor and you to hone in on the areas that need help while not wasting time on the areas you’re doing well at. It gives an indication as to whether or not each couple can salvage their relationship or whether they should walk away.
At some point, if the end result is to stay together and do the work or go your separate ways, it’s important to know you did everything you could to fix things with your partner. Ignorance is not bliss and doing nothing usually doesn’t miraculously improve a relationship. How much damage you do to the relationship before seeking help is up to the both of you. The time waited to start couples therapy predicts whether or not “it works”.
